I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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