i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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