We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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