I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
