U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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