i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
There was a lot of him and a little penis
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
