There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
