I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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