there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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