and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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