I've blown a few things in my day
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
