so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I need to calm my uterus...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
