i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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