i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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