I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
