if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
