my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
