He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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