the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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