I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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