mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
