Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
