Your dad touched me again.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
