The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
