you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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