I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
