i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Randomize
