You're my little dorito
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
