we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
