Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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