I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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