Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
