There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
