all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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