dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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