this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
