I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
