When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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