I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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