Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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