my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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