We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
