i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
