I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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