I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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