This is not my ceiling
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
