I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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