Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
