it wasn't lemon gatorade
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
