His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
