Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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