the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
